Week 720: The Course of Humor Events


1521: Martin Luther could not stomach the Diet of Worms.

1544: Cartographer Gerardus Mercator was imprisoned for heresy:
Religious authorities refused to give him any latitude.

About three years back, we ran a great set of results to a contest asking
for rhyming couplets that told about historical events. Loser Peter
Metrinko, who just happened to get no ink in that contest, asks that we
compile another such chronicle, but that we also allow other short
formats as well, such as those above. Okay, there should be enough
history to go around: Sum up a historical event in a two-line rhyme or
other clever and pithy epigram. Though history tends to repeat itself,
we'd like to prevent it: Here are the results of the Week 570 contest.
Don't use the same jokes, please.

Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First
runner-up receives a 2007 Extreme Ironing calendar (hey, you'll still
have five more months), donated by Poetical Loser Brendan Beary; it
depicts "ironists" ironing while hanging on the side of a cliff, swimming
underwater, suspended from a tightrope, etc. Must take a heck of an
extension cord.

Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser
T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions (or whatever they're
called that week) get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets.
One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to
losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, July
9. Put "Week 720" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being
ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with
your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality.
All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be
edited for taste or content. Results will be published July 29. No
purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their
immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries
will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by
Beth Baniszewski of Somerville, Mass. This week's Honorable Mentions name
is by Kevin Dopart. The new contest was suggested the first time around
by Russell Beland, who would never stop reminding us if we didn't mention
it.

Report From Week 716, in which we asked for poems featuring words from this year's National
Spelling Bee. The Empress granted no ink to those who made up their own
meanings or used the words as nonsense syllables.

4. Oubliette, a dungeon with an opening only in the ceiling:

With an old oubliette, one could just forget
About terrorists like old Geronimo.
So why must the press write of the distress
At our new oubliette in Guantanamo? (Steve Ettinger, Chevy Chase)

3. Affliction by leeches -- hirudiniasis:

Bloody disgusting, however you spin it.
They trigger our deep-seated hygienic biases:
But worst is that one of them's born every minute. (Mark Eckenwiler,
Washington)

2. Strigil, an ancient Roman tool to scrape dirt and sweat from the body:

He comes, he sees, he takes a bath,
For he is dirty. Crud he hath.
He's pulled another all-night vigil.
Caesar takes his trusty strigil,
Scrapes away all grimy matter,
Then goes after Cleopatter. (Mae Scanlan, Washington)

And the Winner of the Inker

Acariasis, a mite infestation:

I'm sad to say my grandpa Zacharias is,
Alas, no more. The doctor has suggested
The cause of death was likely acariasis;
With tiny parasites he was infested.
The wee arachnids he indulged with bonhomie,
For piety was one of his delights;
Remembering the book of Deuteronomy,
He loved the Lord his God with all his mites. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills)

The Bee's Ankles: Honorable Mentions

Furfuraceous, having dandruff or other scaly particles:

My skin is furfuraceous;
That's to say, it's very scaly.
Truth be told, I look hellacious
From exfoliating daily.
Each day's worse, I can't deny it,
Though I will admit, in candor,
That perhaps I shouldn't try it
With a Black & Decker sander. (Brendan Beary)

Beccafico, a small bird prized as a delicacy:

O wondrous beccafico, o golden-throated bird!
Your song is warbled sunshine, the sweetest ever heard.
How many hearts have swelled with joy to hear your cherished tweeter!
But sadly, little 'fico, your taste is even sweeter. (Barry Koch,
Catlett, Va.)

Illeist, someone who refers to himself in the third person:

When the Empress speaks to her legion of geeks,
Third person is self-referential.
Could this illeist style be only a wile
To make us yet more deferential? (Steve Ettinger)

Lambdacisms, mispronunciations of the letter L, or saying L instead of R:

Lambdacism means you say
One letter in a sclewy way. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.)

Logogriph, a word puzzle

Logogriphs are TONS OF FUN,
And some can knock your NUT OFF, SON. (Chris Doyle)

Lomilomi, a traditional Hawaiian massage

On the shores of Gitche Gumee
They don't practice lomilomi.
It's too cold for Minnesotans;
They just stay at homihomi. (Mae Scanlan)

Noctilucous, shining at night:

On a moon-lighted stroll, my sweet love did profess
That my fair face was quite noctilucous;
My heart skipped a beat, but I have to confess:
What shone from my nose was some mucus. (Anne Paris, Arlington)

Onychomycosis, a fungal infection of the nails:
Unguiculate, having claws or nails:

The daunting diagnosis
Of onychomycosis
Means toenails gross and fungal
(Like some life-form from the jungle?)
Whatever could repulse me more
Than toenails like a dinosaur?
Alas, we're born unguiculate,
So this I must articulate:
Your nasty nails evoke my dread;
Henceforth, please wear your shoes to bed. (Beverley Sharp, Washington)

Ophidian, relating to snakes:

He wooed the lass with flattery
And praised her locks "ophidian."
Alas, that word refers to snakes;
He meant to say "obsidian."
She knocked him flat and left, aloof;
(A Webster's could have saved his toof.) (Beverley Sharp)

Retiarius, a type of Roman gladiator who fought wearing fisherman's gear:

Gripping trident and net, the vindictive Belarius
Knows he's a soon-to-be-sacked retiarius.
Christians are scared 'cause today's his last day
And each one he beheads boosts his severance pay. (Chris Doyle)

Strigil:

For cleaning off, the Romans
Scraped themselves with iron strigils --
But folks back then, you understand,
Were tougher indivijuls. (Brendan Beary)

Theologaster, a religious quack:

How will you know a theologaster?
In many a church he's the pederaster. (Kevin Dopart, Washington)

Yosenabe, a Japanese stew:

Would you like a wee taste
Of kelp-based yosenabe?
Well, I think that depends:
What mean "wee," Kimosabe? (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis)

Online Only: Read More Honorable Mentions

More Honorable Mentions from Week 716 of The Style Invitational, in which readers were asked to write poems featuring words from this year's National Spelling Bee:

Abseil, a descent on a fixed rope:

I'm head over heels for my climbing guide, Babs;
At beauty and skill she excels.
With effortless abseils and rippling abs,
She attracts even as she rappels. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills)

Beccafico, a small bird prized as a delicacy:
When large birds go hunting and spy a small frog,
Then a croak is indeed its last word.
Beccaficos, however, are rare treats in France,
So in this case the Frog eats the bird. (Anne Paris, Arlington)

Lambdacisms, mispronunciations of the letter L:
Those who "wiv in the City of Brotherwy Wuv"
And sound, when they talk, so damn silly
Suffer from lambdacisms, which means
They're getting the L out of Philly. (Ira Allen, Bethesda)

Meralgia, pain in the thighs: 
There's many kinds of thigh pains with which people are afflicted;
For instance, a rheumatic's femur aches in rainy weather.
And I've heard it often said, and never contradicted,
Yo' mama gets meralgia try'na keep her knees together! (Brendan Beary)

Onychomycosis, a fungal infection of the nails:
"O-ni-cho-my-co-sis"! It scans very nicely
In poetry written with dactylic feet.
If the feet are your own, though, it looks quite unsightly
If footwear selection is less than discreet. (Steve Fahey, Kensington)

Oubliette, a dungeon with an opening only through the ceiling:
1. (To "Alouette")
Oubliette, I'm in the oubliette,
Oubliette, I can't go out and play.
Won't you open up the door?
I'll be good forevermore.
Scratch your back, fix a snack
I will be your esne* . . . (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.)

[*Anglo-Saxon serf]

2. Henry Waxman casts his net,
Patrick Leahy doth agree:
Subpoena one, subpoena all,
Then the prez asks them to call.

"Patrick, Henry," says our George,
"You make me sweat and raise my gorge."
The duo says, "Oh, do not fret,
Although we have not finished yet."

"I'm glad we've had this tete-a-tete,"
Says leader Bush.
He gives a button one quick push.
A trapdoor yawns: An oubliette!
They drop down fast, the Dem duet.
Where they fall, there is no net.
And thus it ends, this small upset. (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly)

Paronomasia, a pun or other play on words:
1. I'm a loser at losing. The Empress is tough.
My one thousand horse names weren't even enough.
It's driving me crazy, yes, crazy and crazier,
That I'm no good at all at this paronomazier. (Steve Offutt, Arlington)

2. "Hirudiniasis?"
Style Invitational
Winners are famous for
Erudite wit.
Forget about spelling and
Focus your efforts on
Paranomasia
Ere you die, twit. (Steve Langer, Chevy Chase)

Rigaree, raised ribbonlike ornamentation on glass:
Rigaree, jigaree,
Some kid in middle school
Spells an odd word about
Glass appliques.
Lexicological
Sparring grows tedious;
I watch the bee, and my
Eyes start to glaze. (Brendan Beary)

Stramineous, straw-colored:
There once was a feller named Phineas,
Whose body was largely stramineous.
And that is becuz 
A scarecrow he wuz 
Who lived with the beans and the zinnias. (Mae Scanlan, Washington)

Strigil, an ancient Roman tool to scrape dirt and sweat from the body:

Dripping water, Antonius scrapes at his skin
With the strigil he's brought to the pool.
Caligula says with his lecherous grin,"
You've a truly magnificent tool." (Chris Doyle)

Theologaster, a religious fraud:

They're smooth as silk, presenting facts,
But underneath it all, they're quacks.
Theologasters please avoid
Should you desire to know God's woid. (Mae Scanlan)

Umami, a "fifth taste" in addition to sweet, sour, bitter and salty:

The bullies in the other hood,
They say umami tastes so good. (Ned Bent, Oak Hill)

Next Week: Pitch Us a No-Hitter, or I'm Feeling Unlucky